Dear

Welcome back to da cruel words which will be forgotten after you finish read cause maybe you’re not relate with this “things” I wanna show to you.

Memories…

Thought I’ve remember that I ever wrote about this.. But this would be different and lil’ bit difficult for me to say. First… because I become emotionally affected by these. Second… fuck I wanna my life before I graduated BACK (Ok. Yang happy-happynya aja ya, bukan pas ujian atau pas galau gegara laki WK), and da laaasssttt…. for making this post, I already sacrified my assigment I have to finish at work–fck I don’t care.

Gue malas cari referensi, dan gue bertanya-tanya kenapa memori harus ada? Oh, mungkin itu kelebihan manusia timbang hewan atau makhluk hidup lainnya.

But sometimes, I think memory is BAD. It allows us to emotionally change: kalau memory buruk jadi bikin sedih, kalo memory happy jadi bikin kangen terus sedih pengen keulang lagi–and this happened to me. LOL.

Everything is become real now. Ok. Maybe I just realize, or I finally have my spirits at writing after a long time so these just the words which come suddenly–idk and idc.

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Mungkin sebetulnya yang gue rindukan adalah suasananya–yang… kalau boleh dijabarin…. ya.. sebetulnya se-tenang dan se-NYAMAN mampus itu. Kayak… se-dikejar-kejarnya setan pun, tetap setannya lambat, alias gue selow ajasi. But now, setelah negara api bangsat menyerang, I feel like I lost everything on me. Surely. SURELY!

Gue ngga bisa berimajinasi lagi–even berimajinasi ter-bersih sekalipun (as you know, imajinasi gue kadang liar ya). Gue ngga bisa melakukan banyak hal, yang seharusnya gue bisa lakuin.

Contoh:

Stuck ngerjain ppt pesentasi dan penawaran, padahal nulis disini lantjar.

Gue bisa aja lanjutin tulisan gue, tapi malah gue ngelamun sambil duduk depan teve. Diem aja gitu. Yang di pikiran ada: how can face this life without any complains.

Life is hard. But even life is hard, I haven’t imagine this life before.

Oke, mungkin gue kurang bersyukur, maka dari itu gue menulis ini. Biar gue sadar bahwa gue ngga salah mendefinisikan rasa gue. EAK!

Bahwa gue sangat menyadari rasa rindu ini. Setelah sekian lama, gue akhirnya buka playlist lama–consist of lagu-lagunya payung teduh, danilla dan stars and rabbit. Dan gue bisa merasakan segala emosi dalam diri gue membuncah, dan memori di belakang muncul lagi.

Memori saat lagi sendirian di kosan (akhir masa kuliah)–oke ngga sendirian, tapi bareng anak-anak yang lagi pada tidur, lalu gue melamun, atau sekedar buka-buka tulisan lama, atau sekedar… berimajinasi…

Saat gue lagi skripshitan–padahal lebih banyak buka-buka websitenya, dan/atau nyanyi-nyanyi karokean ngga puguh… sambil menikmati angin Jatinangor yang sedikit tapi dingin dan memabukkan…

Saat lagi tidur-tiduran di kamar yang gelap–yang cuma ada cahaya lampu di luar kamar, dan itu nyenengin banget karena lampunya lampu orange, sambil menatap langit-langit, dan lagi….. berimajinasi.

Saat di pagi hari, dan (masih) malas-malasan gogoleran di kasur ditemani selimut dan dengkuran anak-anak… Sambil menikmati udara segar yang masuk lewat ventilasi seadanya tapi cukup membuat tubuh menggigil…

Bahwa rindu seberat ini. Dan kita tahu, gue tahu, bahwa hidup yang demikian itu ngga mungkin ada lagi–kecuali lu ambil kuliah S2 di Jatinangor dan kos di tempat yang sama. He he.

Gue rindu banget, sampai rasanya kelu dan lengan lemas buat ngetik (padahal emang lelah aja karena belum tidur, dan ni laptop suwe banget, lama ga dipake ngetik jadi keras keyboardnya).

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Gue sedih aja, sih. Gue ngerasa apa yang gue kerjakan sekarang meaningless aja gitu. Capek doang, happy engga.

For sure, I want to give up.

Regards,

Milla.

Kau Tahu Betul

Beberapa bulan yang lalu aku masih merenung meratapi kisah gelap yang tak kusangka akan membuatku sesakit ini–kala itu. Kau tahu betul kisahku.

Lelaki-lelaki kujejali kelaminya padaku, namun bukan atas dasar cinta (parahnya aku tahu dan sadar betul), dan dulu itu bukan masalah hingga aku dibuat perih. Bahwa beharap ternyata sesakit itu jika tak sampai. Kau tahu betul apa yang kurasakan.

Aku tak menyangka akan sebahagia ini memberikan seluruh raga dan ruh-ku padamu, lelaki yang tak pernah kuharapkan bahkan kurencanakan untuk masuk sedalam ini.

Kau masih senyata mimpi.

Hidupku tak pernah kubayangkan akan sebahagia ini–denganmu. Aku masih melihatmu serupa bayangan yang dulu tak pernah nyata ada–namun kau ada di sini menemaniku. Memelukku saat aku terisak, memanjakanku saat aku butuh dimanja, memberiku tatapan yang tak pernah kulihat dari mata siapapun yang menatapku.

Kau serupa nyanyian yang kulantunkan tiap malam dengan pelukmu yang nyaman, namun kini kulihat rupamu. Kuhirup harum tubuhmu. Kusentuh rambut-rambut di tubuhmu. Kuraba jemari dan punggungmu yang kuat itu. Kulukis alis, bibir, dan hidung pada wajahmu dengan ujung jemariku.

Lalu aku paham bahwa kau terlalu nyata.

Bahwa kau bukan lagi mimpi atau harapan. Kau memang ada dan cintamu padaku terlihat jelas. Lewat susu coklat panas itu, lewat indomie goreng itu, lewat air dingin itu, lewat usahamu membahagiakanku.

Aku bahagia, wahai lelakiku. Aku bahagia denganmu yang menjadikanku wanitamu. Aku bahagia di sepanjang akhir tahun kemarin, bercumbu dengan satu-satunya lelaki yang mampu membuatku lupa bahwa aku punya masa lalu.

Denganmu aku tak pernah bermimpi, namun berencana. Denganmu aku berencana untuk menghidupi hidupku–bersamamu. Denganmu aku berencana tak akan pernah mati membawa nestapa.

Lelakiku, teruslah ucap kata-kata cintamu untukku. Jangan biarkan aku pergi darimu dengan mudah. Bertahanlah dengan sikapku yang ceroboh dan selalu lupa.

Aku mencintaimu, lelakiku. Kau tahu betul itu. Kau bisa lihat lewat ayam kecap dan sup yang kumasak untukmu. Kau bisa lihat dari rambut-rambut putihmu yang kuambil dengan pinset di siang hari. Kau bisa lihat dari hatimu yang sudah terkunci padaku.

Mari kita hidup dengan damai, lelakiku. Mari kita bangun rumah kita bersama dengan dua kursi goyang di taman untuk kita nikmati di hari tua nanti.

Hiduplah hingga 70 tahun ke depan, sayang. Aku ingin menua bersamamu. Kau tahu betul itu.

Yang selalu kau bilang manis,

Amelia.

It might be broke. Will be repair soon.

“Maybe I have to stop. To fallin’. To hoping. To trust someone.

So I won’t get hurt again.’ 

It’s hurt. More than I can imagine cause this foolness. It’s hurt like I never fall before. It’s hurt because I already fall by hopes and dreams… That love finally came to my life. That I feel loved. I feel someone who care and miss me.

And I did wrong. For many times. I did wrong. Like I do wrong for all the time.

I feel hurt. I got wound in my heart and my mind.

You killing me time by time. Every words you say was never right and honest. You never say the truth. You said that you won’t hurt me, but you already did. You said that you want to meet me, but you don’t. You said that you miss me, but you also said that you never think about me.

I felt so much in love, at that time when we were in my room, doing things we want–hugging, kissing…fucking. I felt so blessed because finally I get what I want–love and people who cares.

A man who always heard my stories as well. A man who knows what I feel, my wounds, my fucking stories about fucking man.

I told you everything–especially about man who hurts me. So you already knew “things make me hurts”. You know, right?

You knew all men who sucks. Who left me. Who fucked me and left me alone with wound in my heart. Who made me feels like a bad woman, a bitch…

You know what I want, and I tried too hard to fulfill what you need. And you said you feel satisfy so you wanna meet me again–and fuck. But you lied. You said “bye” easily and it hurts.

At that night when I said I drunk with my friend is true.

But you already wrong. You think that I slept with a man, huh? Why you think that? Are you jealous? Or you did that because you think that time is a time to you finally leave me, so you show me that responses–hates?

I want you, maybe not really but I want you. Because you made me feel this way. You broke a wall I made–to stay cool and calm and think that this kinda relationship is jus for fun, so as long as we feel satisfy, it will always good to us.

But I already fall…

With your words….

“I miss you.”

“Tbh I really miss you.”

“Can’t wait to see you again.”

I felt so much loved and I felt like “oh finally someone who want me is come”…. Oh, God, fool me!

Although I really don’t know the reasons why you did this to me… I will face it, dude. Thanks for making me feel this hurt and thanks for memories you gave to me–and I feel so much pain when I remember it.

Thank you for became friend I trust.

Thank you for your kisses, your hugs… even that things just for a while.

Thanks.

I’ll fix myself.

Whom I Missed

I turned crazy day by day eaten by “things” that I thought. Too much till I forget and walk through a way I choosed. And I already died. This good way made me feel so tiny, and I can’t change. I don’t have a chance to be a better me.

I’ve been tried. Too hard till the feeling goes wrong everyday.

And I am alone. Facing it alone like everything before this kinda fucking hard thing. Time goes slow, and I passed it with… kinda “trying to be good” thing–socialized, laughing, working a lot…

This isn’t me.

I wanna be free.

Free from shit I think everyday like… Fuck! How I missed someone… I don’t know who. Maybe my really first man, who left me with this wound in my heart… My mind. Also my “woman” thing.

I miss how you staring my eyes–although thats a lie. I miss your hugs… especially when we were slept at that night, I miss it, Dan. But what you did to me is more than enough to makes me hurt and unrespect to you.

And you brought me to another man. To not thinking about you I gave my body also my heart to another man and I knew–already knew that is wrong. That’s wrong, I knew that but I can’t turn back time. It’s hurt.

Time goes.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me so I always found a man who hurting me too fucking much. Am I too bad? In many ways?

Then I found many men after you, and I feel bad. Do you know how I feel like… my world already gone, cause I think I am carrying shit from a man I trust? And I am alone in my room?

You will never know how it feels.

Like you don’t know what I feel while you leave me. Cause you never look back. You walk through your way and never ask for my forgiveness–also anything.

Today is pretty bad.

I was thinking how feeling loved by someone is a thing I want so much. Maybe it’s more affect me than sex, or well dresses, or good meals and beverages. I want hugs. I miss your hugs. I miss someone hugs.

I wanna my life before I met the guy… the first guy whom pushed my pussy back.

Another Dirty Little Cock

Hey. How are you? How about your little drogo? Is it ok? Your little cock that you proud so much, cause when you got erection it will grow. Harder. Bigger. Massive. And so you can fuck a woman you wants.

I met you, for the first time, and yeah I feel comfort. You gave me things I want–hugs, forehead kisses.. You let my head lays on your chest. You touched me tender, slowly and soft… You made me feel loved.

And I gave you shits you wants. We fucked. Your drogo woke up for twice and I made it sleep again for twice too.

Thats a new things for me–when you touched and shaked my pussy with your gentle fingers. I love that, honestly–and everythings you gave to me. Even we met just for two or three hours. It doesn’t matter, although I want you longer, I let you go and I felt like hunger.

Shit happened. I miss you.

I need more.

Do not talk about feelings. I tried so hard to not put some feelings for you, on my head. I talk to myself like everytime to not put some hopes on this kinda win win relation-fucking-ship. Like you thought before, “I’ll stop give you fucking cuddles, besides you give me your fucking voices”.

And you said I didn’t treat you right?

We fucked and you said that just because I wont give you my voice?

Hey dude, what I gave to you is more. You know my shits stories as well, and you said that? And you stop this kinda relationship by yourself? Ck. You’re so selfish.

We have rules. To not put kinda feelings and I said OK, and I was never think about my feelings even it hurts while YOU KNOW A WAN WHO YOU FUCKED WAS NEVER LOVES YOU. Thats hurt. Don’t you ever think about that, dude?

And you force me to do things I wont. Thats my voice and I will never send that shitty voice to anyone. Same as photos. If you want me, just come on to me, fucking dude. I want your body too but I dont need your photos or virtually things. Cause you know? I will never trust anyone again. It hurts me too much while I trust people and I am hoping again.

That’s ok, if you choosed to make this game end too fucking fast, so you can find another girl who can fullfill your needs, but not me, if what you want is “virtual things”. You can looking for virtual things in many ways–porn videos, internet.

But I am real. For you. So you are. So, stop asking for that stupid things. If you wanna fuck, just fuck me hard, hey dirt little cock! Dont fuck with shadow.

We made a schedule, right?

If you don’t come, so maybe that day will be our first and last meeting. Thats up to you, dude. I’m not hoping, but if you wanna come, my pussy is ready.

Xoxo,

A woman who missed your “man” voice.

Making Love is about you and me, not your cock and my pussy

This post is dedicated to people who think that making love is all about pleasure of sex itself. Like I thought, sex is about your genital thing, but making love..  isn’t about that “genital” thing only. Making love is about “you” and “your partner”–about me and you.

If you think that your partner is happy enough to have sex with you just because he/she sexually arroused with your good smelly body or your heavy voice or your hands which touched her/his body, especially their sensitive parts… you are selfish.

Don’t you think that they’re not enjoy doing that things with you? Just because they got their climax? Do you ever think that they are hiding something? Do you ever ask him/her about what they feel?

No?

So, you are selfish. Kamu bangsat!

You put too much desires on your head, but you’ve been forgot the most important thing: feelings. How you both feel about each other–about the taste of your lips and body, what you and he/she wear before you two make a love, how you look each other…

Hey, men…

I got wet, and your cock worked in my pussy and my “naked” voice out from my mouth, thats all not a sign, that I want you to fucked me. At that night, and many nights before. So you’ve been failed to make me feel you.

Sometimes I did enjoy. But “no” in many times.

Cause you always put too much pressure to me and my pussy even its not ready yet. You let me drunk…. another let me telling my stories…. another gave me compliments… another pushed me to put trust on him…

And the end was same. You all gone.

You.. maybe you always think that “woman” likes that sexual thing. But honestly.. “NO”. Sex is not a thing. My pussy isn’t a thing that you can use all the time while you need. I don’t have such a big heart to give what I have to you who never understand that I don’t need your cock to makes me feel satisfy,

Don’t you understand what we need, hey, men?

We need affections. We need touches. We need kisses. We need cares.

So I never feel satisfied because you only treat my pussy, not me. I am a woman. I feel… Don’t be selfish because of your needs–your desires. Cause we don’t need that thing except you can give affections with your tender hands touches, sweet talk, hugs….

Do not ever think that I like it, when you fucked me. Cause making love is about you and me, not your cock which success entering my pussy.

Thanks, assholes!

What Makes Me Cry After We Make A Love

I felt too emotional at that night. First thing what I thought was… Why I am so fucking despicable. I am so poor. I am a fucking whore. And the man besides me was never loved me–maybe till now. I felt it, I fucking felt it! I am not blind. I can see those from your eyes. I can see those things from your things that you did to me. You like… I know that you weren’t feel satisfy I knew that. I knew that you expected more than what I gave to you.

And after you threw your sperm inside my body, and you asked me about my feelings and I did answer that I couldnt feel anything. I felt nothing. It comes too fast. I didn’t feel like.. spray neither something warm inside my V like you said before. And you just… take your phone and I didnt know what you did then.

I went to toilet, and after that I saw you watching a movie–movie that playing a film you choosed that we should watch but we did not cause you force me to did thing I wont–fucking.

And my brain was turned crazy. Every memories from the first we chatted–what did you said about love and this kinda relationship… and I felt like I am a fool. You made me fool. You tricked me. You wasn’t a right man. I am wrong.

Then I cried. And you know this.

These are the reasons why I’m crying at that night after we fucked:

  1. You forced me too hard to make a love with you. I didn’t enjoy that things when you pushed me to suck your cock, and licked your body. I didn’t want it–at that time. I wanted to spend my time with you by doing right things like cuddling and sharing stories, watching movies, laughing together… So we can knowing each other.
  2. We didn’t play “the foreplay things” yet. And you force me to fuck in WOT position, and you asked me to change our position, and you pushed your cock too hard while my V wasn’t ready yet. I got hurt, dude. You injured my V, also hurted my heart.
  3. You forgot “the afterplay things”. So I felt like a whore who had a job to fuck a man and make him satisfy. So, after that happened, I just nothing. I didn’t felt any loves from your eyes.

I am so sorry. That night became an emotional night ever. I never cry in front of man but you. So please do not ever do that bad things again. I am still hoping for you–your love, your promises. I’m sorry cause I cant tell you this at that night while you asked me why cause I was shock, so I couldn’t say anything, and Im so sorry.

However, me still hoping. I wish we can fix it yet, so we can walk through the days after and after. Maybe I like you, and I am hoping. Please…

PS: I miss you. I want to kiss you.

Regards,

Woman who you fucked 3 days ago.